jack1974 wrote:
I meant "no formalities" ? is correct to say that? when someone tells you to not be formal?
Okay, that makes sense. I would recommend rephrasing slightly. I would actually go with 'No need for such formalities, please.' or 'You don't need to be so formal'. 'Few formalities' or 'No formalities' would be a more appropriate response for a question, whereas Ramas is telling the character she doesn't need to be so formal for him alone.
Just a slight update. I completed all romances with all races, male and female both. Additionally, you did fix the 'multiple' picture bug if you hit age 30.
Original:
Trixi
Yes...Goodbye and thanks!
Suggestion:
A hyphen between 'good' and 'bye':
Yes...Good-bye and thanks!
Original:
I insist on helping him, but I stumble and we fall both on the ground!
Suggestion:
Move 'fall' and 'both' around, and change the second 'on' to a 'to' to get:
I insist on helping him, but I stumble and we both fall to the ground!
Original:
Janimee:
Nothing. It's just that I'm only half elf. My mother was human...
Suggestion:
Put a hyphen between 'half' and 'elf' to get:
Nothing. It's just that I'm only half-elf. My mother was human...
Original:
Boss
Without scaffolding, he can't build up high. So, yes, ma'am, it's a terrible set back.
Suggestion:
I think you should use 'we' instead of 'he':
Without scaffolding, we can't build up high. So, yes, ma'am, it's a terrible set back.
Original:
Yuza
Good bye.
Suggestion:
Just a hyphen between 'Good' and 'bye' for:
Good-bye.
Original:
He goes away happily, as proud as when he entered. I suppose that was thanks to me!
Suggestion:
I think the adverb 'happily' should be a noun, 'happy' to get:
He goes away happy, as proud as when he entered. I suppose that was thanks to me!
Original:
Trixi
N-n-o! I just thought it complimented you skin tone better!
Suggestion:
The 'you' before 'skin' should be 'your' to get:
N-n-o! I just thought it complimented your skin tone better!
Original:
She's gone for a long time, and I only ever see her again until its time to close. She looks disheveled and unhappy.
Suggestion:
The latter part of the first sentence feels clumsy with the 'only ever see her again until' when I think you mean, 'I don't see her again until its time close.' It might look like:
She's gone for a long time, and I don't see her again until its time to close. She looks disheveled and unhappy.
Original:
I know I will come back to check on her after the route in was done.
Suggestion:
'route in' is a misspelling and should be 'routine' (as in dance routine):
I know I will come back to check on her after the routine was done.
Original:
Trixi
I know you by fame, it's just that I've never seen you before now...
Suggestion:
I don't really have a suggestion. I believe you meant to use 'name' instead of 'fame', but I like the idea of Trixi knowing Mgorem's fame
Original:
Leah
Oh. Yes. I'm stilling going with you, don't worry. Thanks.
Suggestion:
'Stilling' should be 'still'
Oh. Yes. I'm still going with you, don't worry. Thanks.
Original:
Picking the Farmer background:
What you decide to do?
Suggestion:
Put a 'do' after the 'What' to get:
What do you decide to do?
Original:
From a farmer background
Your parents are too busy to protect you all the time, so uncle who lives in the nearby town. Your social skills decrease, but you benefit from your uncle's wisdom.
Suggestion:
The sentence jumps to 'uncle' without any description. Was the intent to have you move to your uncle?
Original:
The day is very cold, you can see the snow falling from your bedroom window.
Suggestion:
Put a semi-colon in place of the comma:
The day is very cold; you can see the snow falling from your bedroom window.
Original:
Hellen
No, really. I want to congratulate you on whatever magical powers of persuasion you must have to get your daddy to allow you sleep all day.
Suggestion:
There should be a 'to' before 'sleep':
...get your daddy to allow you to sleep all day.
Original:
Reid
I've decided that dancing is not for me. I've received an offer to work at Madame BonBon's Beauty Shoppe, so I am no longer you teacher.
Suggestion:
'you' before teacher should be 'your':
...so I am no longer your teacher.
Original:
I instantly summon vibrant dark magic from inside of me and in quick movements, I send bright purple flashes towards the theives, knocking them to the ground.
Suggestion:
'theives' is a misspelling. It should be 'thieves':
...bright purple flashes towards the thieves, knocking them to the ground.
Original:
His music is marvellous and all the neighbors look out to listen. Luckily, he had the good sense not to come here in the dead of night!
Suggestion:
"marvellous" is spelled wrong, it should only have one L for 'marvelous'
His music is marvelous and all the neighbors look out to listen.
Original:
Ramas
Next week I will pass by
Suggestion:
As Ramas is coming to pick up armour, I think you should change 'pass' to 'stop'.
Next week I will stop by
Original:
Ramas
Oh hi Hellen! This is Estelle....
The other sentence:
Oh hi Hellen! We were just coming to see you! This is Estelle...
Suggestion:
There are two sentences of this, where Ramas introduces his cousin Estelle (each appears depending the choice you make). I think it would work better to put a comma after 'Oh' to get:
Oh, hi Hellen!
Original:
Hellen:
How did you know that sentence off by heart? Answer me!
Suggestion:
Delete the 'off' to get:
How did you know that sentence by heart? Answer me!
Original:
His music is marvellous and all the neighbors look out to listen.
Suggestion:
This is another mispelling of 'marvellous'. It should have one 'l' to be 'marvelous'.
Original:
Frebo
Yes, I need to clean my magic office. Can you see all the dust?
Suggestion:
I think you need a 'you' after 'need' to get:
Yes, I need you to clean my magic office. Can you see all the dust?
Original:
Frebo
Look at that book
Suggestion:
It is missing punctuation. An ellipses or a period would work fine:
Look at that book...
Original:
Hellen
...I can't find my sword anymore!
Suggestion:
I think you meant to use 'anywhere' instead of 'anymore':
...I can't find my sword anywhere!
Original:
One of the lines you can say to Yuza:
Say goodbye and go back home
Suggestion:
Put a hyphen between 'good' and 'bye' to get:
Say good-bye and go back home
Original:
As we agreed, Leah worked in my stall in the marketplace. But she's an odd salesman.
Suggestion:
Change 'salesman' to 'saleswoman'. Later dialogues mention her as a 'saleswoman'.
Original:
Leah spins around and gasps, upon seeing the women.
Suggestion:
You don't need the comma after 'gasps'.
Original:
Leah. She's standing outside of my door, and see looks very serious.
Suggestion:
I believe the 'see' should be 'she':
Leah. She's standing outside of my door, and she looks very serious.
Original:
More like prison cells, if you ask me. That rule about them never living was so ridiculous!
Suggestion:
'living' looks like it should be 'leaving':
More like prison cells, if you ask me. That rule about them never leaving was so ridiculous!
Original:
Good bye, Hade.
Suggestion:
I'd recommend putting a hyphen between 'Good' and 'bye':
Good-bye, Hade.
Original:
I expected her to glare at me. Instead, she walked forwards almost mindless, reaching out for me.
Suggestion:
Change 'forwards' to 'forward', and add a comma after 'forward' to get:
I expected her to glare at me. Instead, she walked forward, almost mindless, reaching out for me.
Original:
She's working on the farm on her own free will.
Suggestion:
Change the 'on' after 'farm' to of:
She's working on the farm of her own free will.
Original:
Ria
Forgive me if have no respect for those noblemen.
Suggestion:
Put an 'I' before 'have' to get:
Forgive me if I have no respect for those noblemen.
Original:
I slid across the floor in a circle and perform my final of bending over backwards.
Suggestion:
'final' should be 'finale' (finale is the term for the end of a show like a movie or dance performance)
Original:
I did learn that she is now working at a local cabaret as leading dancer.
Suggestion:
'leading' should be 'lead':
I did learn that she is now working at a local cabaret as lead dancer.
Original:
Why wasn't I rolling money like she was?
Suggestion:
Put 'in' before money to get:
Why wasn't I rolling in money like she was?
Original:
Yana
Tick tock, tick tock
Suggestion:
I recommend putting hyphens betwee the 'tick' and 'tock':
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Original:
I poke my head out into the hall to look around, but instead I hear something very melodic..
Suggestion:
Add another period for the elipsis after melodic (it should be 3 dots):
, but instead I hear something very melodic...
Original:
If she could fool even me, then she had to be the best actor around!
Suggestion:
Change 'actor' to 'actress':
If she could fool even me, then she had to be the best actress around!
Original:
Nobleman
I'll see you'll pay for this!
Suggestion:
"you'll" is a contraction for "you will", but you can get by with just a plain "you":
I'll see you pay for this!
Original:
I chuckle to myself thinking about much Thym must have screwed up the landscaper's work.
Suggestion:
Put a 'how' before 'much':
I chuckle to myself thinking about how much Thym must have screwed up the landscaper's work.
The next several have house and keeper which should be one word:
Original:
I enter the house and am greeted by the head house keeper.
Suggestion:
'house' and 'keeper' should be one word, and look like this:
I entered the house, and am greed by the head housekeeper.
Original:
Man
House keeper
Suggestion
'House' and 'keeper' should be one word:
Housekeeper.
Original:
Man
I say, house keeper!
Suggestion:
'house' and 'keeper' should be 'housekeeper'.
Original:
Guard
Lord and Lady Zendor no longer require you services.
Suggestion:
'You' should be 'your' to get:
Lord and Lady Zendor no longer require your services.
Original:
It was apparently possibly to be both wildly in love and extremely heart-broken at the same time.
Suggestion:
'possibly' should be 'possible' to get:
It was apparently possible to be both wildly in love and extremely heart-broken at the same time.
Original:
Before a challenger appears before Lam, I run into the field and stand across from him.
Suggestion:
Change 'into' to 'onto' to get:
Before a challenger appears before Lam, I run onto the field and stand across from him.
Original:
It turns out, I'm very good at peddling goods and an excellent haggler.
Suggestion:
I'd suggest removing the comma after 'out', and put an 'I'm' before the 'an' to get:
It turns out I'm very good at peddling goods, and I'm an excellent haggler.
Original:
Yuza
...No, please, stop for an minute!
Suggestion:
The 'an' should be 'a'
...No, please, stop for a minute!
Original:
Unfortunately, she doesn't have enough money to live in her house anymore, and she is kicked out into the streets. She appeals to some people in power for help, and they her about about what you did to her.
Query/Suggestion:
The last sentence is a bit confusing in the last sentence for the phrase: '...help, and they her about what you did to her" I am a little unsure what you were going for.
Original:
I say goodbye and pretend to leave. Since our hours are flexible, he won't think anything strange of it.
Suggestion:
Put a hyphen in 'goodbye' to get 'good-bye'
Original:
Ramas
Yes, I understand. I'll pass by tomorrow to see how things are going.
Suggestion:
Change 'pass' to 'come' and get:
Yes, I understand. I'll come by tomorrow to see how things are going.
Original:
Ramas
Thanks. I'll will pass by tomorrow to see how things are going.
Suggestion:
Remove the 'will', and change 'pass' to 'come' to get:
Thanks. I'll come by tomorrow to see how things are going.
Original
She kisses me fiercely and I instantly become weak. She continue to pull at my hair, sending a pleasurable mix of pain and desire through every fiber of my being.
Suggestion:
'continue' should be 'continues' to get:
She continues to pull at my hair, sending a pleasurable mix of pain...
Original:
I hear giggling and a dancer with two men walk out into the street. They paw at her and she laughs some more.
Suggestion:
Change 'walk' to 'walks' to get:
I hear giggling and a dancer with two men walks out into the street.