Steam Testing - Bionic Hearts 1 Grammar/Typos

A dark sci-fi visual novel: http://winterwolves.com/bionicheart.htm
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Miakoda
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Steam Testing - Bionic Hearts 1 Grammar/Typos

Post by Miakoda » Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:21 pm

First, a minor observation. Some people aren't big fans of voicing, so some might prefer an option to turn it off (I meant to mention this for Heileen 2). Of course, for the age of the game, I certainly understand if you don't do so.

Additionally, many of these suggestions are to have the written dialogue to match the oral (much like in Heileen 2). You will also find the changes will also match any grammar correction I could suggest ;)

Obviously, you may wish to wait until I finish it (I know, a common refrain for me doing the Steam testing :D ).

Original:
Helen
It's not the first time we talk about it...you've already had enough time to ponder! I should be offended that you are still asking me for time to think...

Suggestion:
'talk' should be 'talked' to match the vocal.


Original:
Luke
You think? It was a unpredictable fight for me.

Suggestion:
'a' should be 'an' to match the audio.


Original:
Luke
I go and take a look.

Suggestion:
"I" should be "I'll" to match the audio:
I'll go and take a look.


Original:
Tom
What you found?

Suggestion:
Add 'did' before 'you' and change 'found' to find' to match the audio:
What did you find?

Original:
Tom
I go in the kitchen to eat a snack, but when I get back we can continue discussing the fight, ok?

Suggestion:
Change "I" to "I'm a". This is bad grammatically, but it will match the audio. Seriously, he says, "I'm a go in the kitchen to eat..."

Original:
Luke
Eh??? Who is there?!

Suggestion:
"Who is" should be "Who's" to match the audio:
Eh??? Who's there?!

Original:
Female Robot
Do as I said, or in five seconds your door will be smashed open?

Suggestion:
'Said' should be 'say' to match the audio.

Original:
Without replying, I push the emergence button to call the police.

Suggestion:
'emergence' should be 'emergency' to match the audio.

Original
Tom
Goonight

Suggestion:
'Goonight' should be 'Good night'. Although, Goonight does sound like a Batman event ;)

Original:
Maybe they'll even ask me a fee for the wrong call.

Suggestion:
Add 'for' after 'me' to match the audio:
Maybe they'll even ask me for a fee for the wrong call.

Original:
Tanya
Yes, you know, I don't like to be called 'Prototype 9'...

Suggestion:
Change 'to be called' to 'being called' to match the audio:
Yes, you know, I don't like being called 'Prototype 9'...

Original:
The game now switches into interactive mode: you'll see two panel below, on the left the one showing the possible actions for the current location, and the other on the right to move into other known place.

Suggestion:
'panel' should be 'panels'. I'd also recommend removing the 'on' before 'the left'. The last part of the sentence could be tightened up as well.

It would look like this:
The game now switches into interactive mode: you'll see two panels below. The left one shows the possible actions for the current location, and the right one allows you to move to other known place

Original:
Better not try again...she seems determined but not evil. Anyway, I don't want to push my luck too much.

Suggestion:
Add 'that' after 'try' to match the audio:
Better not try that again...

Original:
and the 90% of population is vegetarian because it's basically impossible to raise livestock without grain and other cereals.


Suggestion:
Put 'the' after 90%, not before, to match the audio:
and 90% of the population is vegetarian because it's basically impossible to raise livestock without grain and other cereals.

Original:
Tina
What a nice talk! You've become a romantic man, Roby?

Suggestion:
'Roby' should be 'Robby' to match the audio, and Roby tends to be pronounced as Row-bee

Original:
I give him all the required direction to reach my place. While I do that, I almost feel sick for having 'betrayed' Tanya, but...

Suggestion:
'direction' should be 'directions' (plural) to match the audio:
I give him all the required directions to reach my place.

Original:
Luke never forgot Tanya and what he did to her when she went to report her to the police.

Suggestion:
The 'she' before 'went' should be 'he' to match the audio, and the proper pronoun.

Original:
She hesistates for a moment, as if she'd like to kiss me seriously,

Suggestion:
There is a mispelling here: 'hesistates' should be 'hesitates'

Suggestion:
Original
Helen
We'd better go now. We both have to be back at work in less than half an hour.

Suggestion:
Drop the 'now' to match the audio (It isn't present there). The sentence is still fine that way as well.

Original:
What if Tom decides to come see me? Or even worse, when Helen will call me to meet up?

Suggestion:
Put the 'will' before 'Helen' to match the audio (and makes the sentence better):
What if Tom decides to come see me? Or even worse, when will Helen call me to meet up

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Re: Steam Testing - Bionic Hearts 1 Grammar/Typos

Post by Miakoda » Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:32 pm

Getting back in the groove. Before I go to typos/grammar, I would make one other recommendation, one I'm sure you're bored hearing: color the last save file like your other games.


Original:
Helen
No way! We must talk, whether you want to or not. Besides...

Suggestion:
Change 'must' to 'are going to' to match the audio:
No way! We are going to talk, whether you want to or not. Besides...

Original:
I have to admit she is one of the few people who can still cook like they did in 21th century...

Suggestion:
Add 'the' before '21' and change '21th' to '21st' to match the audio:
I have to admit she is one of the few peopel who can still cook like they did in the 21st century...

Original:
Helen
You can re open them now!

Suggestion:
Put a hyphen after 're' to get:
You can re-open them now!

Original:
Luke
Helen...you are marvellous...

Suggestion:
There should only be one 'l' on 'marvellous':
Helen...you are marvelous...

Original:
Helen
Let's just say I was hoping to met you.

Suggestion:
'met' should be 'meet' to match the audio:
Let's just say I was hoping to meet you.


Original:
Helen
But last night...I made an effort to be kind to you. And you instead? Nothing! I can't believe you are still in love with me.

Suggestion:
The phrase 'And you instead' should be changed, 'And what do I get?' to match the audio (this whole sentence was off:
But last night...I made an effort to be kind to you. And what do I get? Nothing! I can't believe you are still in love with me.

Original:
Helen
And don't you dare saying so! Because I know it's not true!

Suggestion:
Change 'saying so' to 'try saying otherwise' to match the audio:
And don't you try saying otherwise! Because I know it's not true!

Original:
Helen
Eh? A policeman...what do you want?

Suggestion:
Change 'policeman' to 'policewoman' to match the audio:
Eh? A policewoman...what do you want?

Original:
Tina
I am very sorry interrupting you, but...I'd like to see your ID.

Suggestion:
Add 'for' after 'sorry' to match the audio:
I am very sorry for interrupting you, but...I'd like to see your ID.

Original
Tanya
Why you want me to stay now?

Suggestion:
Add a 'do' after 'Why' to match the audio:
Why do you want me to stay now?

Original:
Luke
I go back to the office. By the way, you have company. Two policemen are coming to check what's going on!

Suggestion:
Change the first "I" to "I'll" to match the audio:
I'll go back to the office.

Original:
Helen with her ridiculous jealousy, and Tanya that would have broken her arm over nothing.

Suggestion:
Remove 'that' to match the audio:
Helen with her ridiculous jealousy, and Tanya would have broken her arm over nothing.

Original:
Luke
Listen to me! She...fooled me! She knew I work for Nanotech, and it's for that reason she entered my home!

Suggestion:
Change 'work' to 'worked' to match the audio (and corrects the sentence as well)

Original:
I start heading back to my flat. I still don't know what exactly what Tanya wants from me, but...I understad that if I don't do what she wants, she won't go away.

Suggestion:
'understad' is a misspelling, and should be 'understand'

Original:
I'm nervous. What does she has in mind? I think she cares about me, but...what if I'm wrong?

Suggestion:
'has' should be 'have' to match the audio.

Original
Roby
Yeah, genius, and how you think to do that?

Suggestion:
To match the audio, add 'do' after 'how':
Yeah, genius, and how do you think to do that?

Original:
Luke
You're welcome. But why you want to know this information?

Suggestion:
Add 'do' after 'why' to match the audio (and makes the sentence work better):
But why do you want to know this information?

Original:
I enter the police station, dubious about what to do. The experiment led at Nanotech's Lab are illegal, so I could report them.

Suggestion:
Make 'experiment' into 'experiments' to match the audio

Original:
I try to look around to see if there's any kind of weapon I can use, or some tecnology like a nano-disassebler, it could -

Suggestion:
A couple minor typos:
'tecnology' should be 'technology' and 'disassebler' should be 'disassembler'

Original:
Luke
Why you...you changed your mind?

Suggestion:
The 'Why' should be 'What' to match the audio. I also recommend putting another elipsis after the What to make him seem a little confused by what happened
What...you...you changed your mind?

Original:
Tina
If she follows us to the police station, I'll testimony in her favour at the process.

Suggestion:
'testimony' should be 'testify' to match the audio

Original:
Tina:
In our world there's rampant corruption. Why a manager that ruins the lives of thousands people is better than a thief or even a killer?

Suggestion:
Add 'is' after 'Why', add 'of' after 'thousands' and remove the 'is' before 'better' to match the audio (and this makes it a better sentence as well):
Why is a manager that ruins the lives of thousands of people better than a thief or even a killer?

Original:
Luke:
...You see those two destroyed roboguard down there?

Suggestion:
Make 'roboguard' plural to match the audio:
...You see those two destroyed roboguards down there?

Original:
Tom
Yes, but isn't cool to spoil the fun for others! Stop predicting the future results of fights please!

Suggestion:
Add 'it' after 'but' and add 'the' before 'fights' to match the audio:
Yes, but it isn't cool to spoil the fun for others! Stop predicting the future results of the fights please!

Original:
Tina
How about...she escaped and we don't know her wereabouts.

Suggestion:
'wereabouts' should be 'whereabouts'

Original:
Tina
See? She escaped and we don't know here wereabouts.

Suggestion:
Another case where 'wereabouts' should be 'whereabouts'. You may wish to do a big copy/replace

Original
Tanya:
Aargh what...I feel pain to my bones!

Suggestion:
Put 'a' before 'pain' and change 'to' to 'in' to match audio:
Aargh what...I feel a pain in my bones!

Original:
Luke
No I'll go make sure that Tom disable the magnetic field!

Suggestion:
'disable' should be 'disables' to match the audio.

Original:
Richard
I'll show them soon enough though! I'll escape to my colony on Mars, and...

Suggestion:
Remove 'though' to match the audio. The sentence is actually stronger this way to:
I'll show them soon enough! I'll escape to my colony on Mars, and...

Original:
It seems that Tanya has managed to his a vital point on Julia.

Suggestion:
The 'his' should be 'hit' to match the audio

Original:
No, if you have plenty of money, resources and... robot slaves at your service like Mr. Richard.

Suggestion:
'No' should be 'Not' and remove the comma (and this matches the audio:
Not if you have plenty of money, resources, and...

Original:
We go down to my garage, where my hovercar is located. It's a very good model, quick and maneuvrable.

Suggestion:
'maneuvrable' is misspelled, and should be 'maneuverable' (It was missing an e)

Original:
Richard
No! It's not possible! You can't do this to me!

Suggestion:
Change "It's" to "That's" to match the audio:
No! That's not possible! You can't do this to me!

Original:
Helen
What you mean?

Suggestion:
Add a 'do' after 'What' to match the audio to get:
What do you mean?

Original:
Helen
Listen to yourself. Richard might be ruthless, but you're making him out to be some sort of dark mafia boss with a dark unground criminal organization.

Suggestion:
'unground' is a mispelling and should be 'underground'. Additionall, 'with a dark' is actually 'of a hidden' in the audio, and would look like:
Listen to yourself. Richard might be ruthless, but your making him out to be some sort of dark mafia boss with a hidden underground criminal organization.

Original:
Helen
L-luke...

Suggestion:
The second 'l' should be capitalized since it is in front of a name:
L-Luke...

Original:
Tanya
It is dangerous, but I don't have a choice. And with Julia away, I have a better chance at getting in.

Suggestion:
Change the 'at' after 'chance' to 'of' to match the audio:
And with Julia away, I have a better chance of getting in.

Original:
Helen
And we...we could have be there with Tom too...

Suggestion:
'be' should be 'been' to match the audio:
And we...we could have been there with Tom too...

Original:
Luke
Why don't you ask Tom how he is? He's a real expert of kamasutra!

Suggestion:
There is a 'the' before 'kamasutra' in the audio:
He's a real expert of the kamasutra!

Original:
Helen
It's this interview over now?

Suggestion:
"It's" should be "Is" to match the audio:
Is this interview over now?

Original:
Helen
Tom, is a long story.

Suggestion:
Change 'is' to "it's" to match the audio:
Tom, it's a long story.

Original:
Oh well, after all, doesn't matter. I would never stay with such a girl.

Suggestion:
Add 'it' before "doesn't" to match the audio:
Oh well, after all, it doesn't matter.

Original:
Pro. Mark
J-julia!

Suggestion:
Capitalize the second 'J' in 'julia' for being a name:
J-Julia!

Original:
If he stopped the flux, Tanya would have killed everyone, overcomed by her rage.

Suggestion:
Drop the 'd' from 'overcomed' to match the audio.

Original:
Helen
But...wait! Why Luke can't leave too?

Suggestion:
Move 'can't' to before Luke to match the audio:
But...wait! Why can't Luke leave too?

Original:
Luke
T-tanya, it's you! Why I shouldn't go?

Suggestion:
The second 't' in 'tanya' should be capitalized. Also, move "shouldn't" after "Why" to match the audio:
T-Tanya, it's you! Why shouldn't I go?

Original:
Tanya:
She didn't noticed me, but I looked at her carefully. I'm sure she is a robot too, so it must be a trap.

Suggestion:
'noticed' should be 'notice'

Original:
Tanya
It's only the first of many others. She had a powerful aura, I'm not even sure I could beat her.

Suggestion:
Change "It's" to "She's" and 'had' to 'has' to match the audio:
She's only the first of many others. She has a powerful aura, I'm not even sure I could beat her.

Original:
Tanya
But now you must go. We will talk about it later. I just wanted to tell you...because you are kind to me.

Suggestion:
Change the 'are' before 'kind' to 'were' to match the audio:
...because you were kind to me.

Original:
Helen
Well...I'm going to bed now.

Suggestion:
I think there is a string that went bad because the audio says, 'Finally, I thought that thing had hypnotized you.' I believe the written Original (above) is correct.

Original:
Luke
What you mean?

Suggestion:
Add 'do' to after 'What' to match the audio:
What do you mean?
Last edited by Miakoda on Mon Jul 28, 2014 3:07 am, edited 25 times in total.

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jack1974
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Re: Steam Testing - Bionic Hearts 1 Grammar/Typos

Post by jack1974 » Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:57 pm

Haha yes sorry, I did it quickly but will now add the color to last file :oops:
Thanks for the typos!

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Miakoda
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Re: Steam Testing - Bionic Hearts 1 Grammar/Typos

Post by Miakoda » Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:26 pm

Since you put up the Walkthrough, I decide to finish with Bionic Hearts on Steam to make sure they worked. They do, but there are a few minor typos/grammar parts.

On the positive side, I can guarantee all the achievements work.

Original
Luke:
It's just...that kind of researches is against my sense of ethics.

Suggestion
researches should be 'research'.

Original
Prof. Mark
Today itself, if you want. Come around 6PM, I'll wait for you downstairs in the lab.

Suggestion:
Put a space between 6 and PM to get: 6 PM

Original:
What will they tell Tom? Mah...the affair is quite mysterious.

Suggestion:
Change 'the' before 'affair' to 'this' to match the audio:
...this affair is quite mysterious.

Original:
Will Helen try coming to my place tonight? And what if I will be very late thanks to

this new task?

Suggestion:
'will' should be 'am' to match the audio.
And what if I am very late thanks...

Prof. Mark
Try to understand. Aside us and very few other people,

Suggestion:
put a 'from' after 'Aside' and put an 'a' before 'very' to match the audio:
Aside from us a very few other

Prof. Mark
It's already enough that they appears to be normal human organs.

Suggestion:
Change 'appears' to 'appear' to match the audio
It's already enough that they appear to be normal human organs.

Original:
Luke
...Today I had a discussion with Tom and...he didn't told me, but I saw Helen calling

him,

Suggestion:
Change 'told' to 'tell' to match the audio

Original:
Incredible! This development is nothing short of amazing. With with right treatment,

a human could live for a thousand years

Suggestion:
There are two 'With' in the third sentence, and there should be a 'the' before 'right'

to match the audio:
With the right treatment, a human could live for a thousand years

Original:
Richard
Luke, you'll will oversee Mark's conversion. I don't want to lose his precious brain.

Suggestion:
Change "you'll" to 'you' to match the audio.

Original
Prof. Mark
...installed a brain of a famous serial killer in the previous prototype.

Suggestion:
Change the 'a' before 'brain' to 'the' to match the audio:
...installed the brain of a famous

Original:
But if i leave now, Mark's sure to suspect something. I'll have to play along for

now...

Suggestion:
The 'i' after 'if' should be capitalized.

Original:
Julia
...I had a vision of what you would do to this world. You're going to destroy

humantity itself!

Suggestion:
'humantity' should be 'humanity'

Original:
Richard looks around the room, fervishly seeking an escape.

Suggestion:
'fervishly' should be 'feverishly' to match the audio.

Original:
Tanya
Oh come on, was just an innocent kiss!

Suggestion:
There should be an 'it' before 'was' to match the audio
Last edited by Miakoda on Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Steam Testing - Bionic Hearts 1 Grammar/Typos

Post by jack1974 » Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:36 pm

Thanks :)

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abnaxus
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Re: Steam Testing - Bionic Hearts 1 Grammar/Typos

Post by abnaxus » Sat Sep 20, 2014 6:46 pm

Great that this finally appeared on Steam.

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jack1974
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Re: Steam Testing - Bionic Hearts 1 Grammar/Typos

Post by jack1974 » Sat Sep 20, 2014 6:58 pm

Yes and while didn't sold that well (of course, a VN on Steam without boobs can' sell! :lol:) reviews were mostly positive :)

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abnaxus
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Re: Steam Testing - Bionic Hearts 1 Grammar/Typos

Post by abnaxus » Sat Sep 20, 2014 7:41 pm

There's been a sudden resurgence of VNs on Steam, one of the Mangagamer VNs sold 12,000 copies even. There's certainly a market for them now which would've been completely unheard of a couple of years ago.

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