And now for something different

Anything not related to one of my specific games, like general polls or promo/sale announcements. For general talk about games, go to the Golden Lion subforum
Post Reply
User avatar
BobTheMob
Druid
Posts: 375
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 10:37 pm

Re: And now for something different

Post by BobTheMob » Fri Sep 02, 2016 9:40 pm

aeroprism wrote:So many different opinions... we'll just have to wait and see I guess. No dount Jack has a few good beta-readers to give me further advice.

Speaking of beta reading; the English language can kill me with its verb tenses... The (entire) story is seen through the eyes of a narrator that is present and involved. All actions and facts are told and reported as immediate statements. So all of you who speak English as their first language (because it isn't mine), please tell me if the following is correct:
“That’s enough. We were tasked with bringing them both here and leave at once. I may not have been here as long as you but I have been long enough to know how doctor Hunt doesn’t tolerate insubordination!” The woman adds. Albeit my own fear and outrage, I could not help but notice how her voice sounded like she was pleading.
As a native speaker of English:

It should read: “That’s enough. We were tasked with bringing them both here and leaving at once. I may not have been here as long as you but I have been long enough to know how Doctor Hunt doesn’t tolerate insubordination!” The woman adds. Albeit my own fear and outrage, I could not help but notice how her voice sounded like she was pleading.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Other than those two minor things this seems like the making of something cool! :)

Best o' Luck w/ it! :)
#ChambarasArmy #ChalassasFreedomFighters

User avatar
DarkWolf
Woods ranger
Posts: 249
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2016 10:26 pm

Re: And now for something different

Post by DarkWolf » Fri Sep 02, 2016 9:53 pm

Not a native English speaker but I did find the first sentence Bob corrected to be a bit off in the original, that said for non native English speaker your writing seems to be quite difficult, excluding spelling I consider my English to be close to native level yet I never heard of a word "Albeit" before.

User avatar
Franka
Elder Druid
Posts: 1037
Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2012 3:07 pm

Re: And now for something different

Post by Franka » Fri Sep 02, 2016 10:35 pm

DarkWolf wrote:I never heard of a word "Albeit" before.
Not a native English speaker myself, but while I do know that word, I'm not so sure it's the correct word for this sentence. I would go with "Despite" or "In spite of" (I know that's not the part you were asking about).

As for tenses, you may want to stick to the present tense if you're going for a narrator who's present, involved and immediate - I cannot help but notice how her voice sounds like she's pleading.

Troyen
Elder Druid
Posts: 844
Joined: Fri May 06, 2011 2:23 am

Re: And now for something different

Post by Troyen » Sat Sep 03, 2016 2:24 am

+1 on despite or Franka's present-tense alternative.

"Albeit" isn't an unknown word, but it most frequently appears in the middle of a sentence as an aside; starting with it feels a little odd. And in this case "although my own fear and outrage" wouldn't be proper phrasing anyway, so "albeit" doesn't fit.

pahldus
Woods ranger
Posts: 128
Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2015 8:30 am

Re: And now for something different

Post by pahldus » Tue Sep 06, 2016 2:28 pm

Despite is definitely the word I would use instead of albeit. While it might be grammatically correct, no native speaker of English would use it in that context. I say this as a native speaker of English.

User avatar
aeroprism
Young scout
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2014 3:21 pm

Re: And now for something different

Post by aeroprism » Wed Sep 07, 2016 2:57 pm

Albeit is a synonym of although. It does fit in context but I will admit without reserve that "despite" fits a lot better.

Verb tenses... The only thing that annoys me to no end with the present tense is the lack of depth it displays.

"I see this. He turns left. He comes into the room. He says hi." It's like some verbally-challenged teenager is watching a movie and tries to describe a scene as it simultaneously unfolds.

"I saw it happening. He turned left. He came into the room and said hi." Still feels like the present but... I can't explain it. It's a gut feeling.

I may not be a native English speaker but I do live in a country where many people are. I'll run a few paragraphs by some of my friends who spoke English all their lives and I'll come back here so we can compare results.

On another note: thanks again for the answers AND the encouragements. Last week was quite peculiar for me. While my specialty is high-epic fantasy/sci-fi, this scene was another beast entirely. Dark, sad and terrible. I had to seclude myself, play the appropriate music and get in the mood. I'm not used to writing such dark and cruel stories.

I found it a very good way to broaden my horizons. Hopefully it will be a story you guys will appreciate!

User avatar
Franka
Elder Druid
Posts: 1037
Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2012 3:07 pm

Re: And now for something different

Post by Franka » Wed Sep 07, 2016 5:34 pm

aeroprism wrote:Albeit is a synonym of although. It does fit in context but I will admit without reserve that "despite" fits a lot better.
Not to beat a dead horse, but "although" doesn't fit that sentence either. :wink:

I completely understand, from my own writings, how using the present tense all the time sometimes reads really strangely. I assume your regular sentence structure is a little more advanced than the extreme example you provided here, though. Anything sounds like caveman in three word sentences. Ooga knew this.

User avatar
aeroprism
Young scout
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2014 3:21 pm

Re: And now for something different

Post by aeroprism » Wed Sep 07, 2016 5:51 pm

My structure will indeed be a tad more elaborate.
Not to beat a dead horse, but "although" doesn't fit that sentence either. :wink:
You are 100% correct, which makes me wonder why I bothered pointing it out in the first place ;-)


Soooo... considering that Winterwolves's games more often than none end up with "and they all dated ever after", how do you guys feel about a really, really unfair story?

I mean, Cthulhu and his buddies were really scary decades ago but now, you need more than a creaking floor and some undefined shadows to make gamers uncomfortable.

Note that there ARE ways to "win" this game and come out on top, but it IS a suspense/horror game. No matter the path you take, there will be injustice, there will be pain and... well, you get the idea.

User avatar
jack1974
Pack leader
Posts: 13097
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2005 4:43 pm

Re: And now for something different

Post by jack1974 » Wed Sep 07, 2016 6:01 pm

I think as long as there is ONE happy ending, it should be fine, in several other games, you can have a bad/sad ending, but also a happy one if you make the right choices.

User avatar
aeroprism
Young scout
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2014 3:21 pm

Re: And now for something different

Post by aeroprism » Wed Sep 07, 2016 6:12 pm

As I said, my concern is not really about the ending but with the game content itself. Some events, sad and really uncool events will happen even if the "good" ending is reached.

The example I have in mind is the nurse who dies horribly in Silent Hill 1. It happens no matter what decision you take in the game and it has a deep impact.

I could also pull the FF7/Aerith argument but that was just terrible storytelling ;-)

Is this desirable?

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest