jack1974 wrote:Thanks, no problem, I'm trying to release the 1st tomorrow but the second title will hardly be out this month
Well, I do try to keep my word when I say I will do something. Heh, unfortunately work can be a bit tough.
Original:
Anyways, isn't clear what the relationship is between this Jack and my parents' death. There are many missing pages...
Suggestion:
Put an 'it' before 'isn't' to get:
Anyways, it isn't clear what the relationship is between this Jack and my parents' death.
Original:
I gather up my things quickly to leave, turning before she can see the tears forming in my eyes as well.
Suggestion:
I'd recommend putting 'quickly' before 'gather'. At least for me, the flow seems to go better:
I quickly gather up my things to leave, turning before she can see the tears forming in my eyes as well.
Original:
As I run from the house, the tears being to flow freer and faster.
Suggestion:
'being' should be 'begin':
As I run from the house, the tears begin to flow freer and faster.
Original:
I wish she should learn some HUMILITY.
Suggestion:
Based on the context of the sentence, change 'should' to 'would':
I wish she would learn some HUMILITY.
Original:
Someone is talking at me. It's a fisherman...?
Suggestion:
Change 'at' to 'to' to get:
Someone is talking to me. It's a fisherman...?
Original:
Looking out on the see of faces, I see their gazes all fixed on me.
Suggestion:
change 'see' to 'sea' to get:
Looking out on the sea of faces, I see their gazes all fixed on me.
Original:
Ebele is still in shock, so Robert carries her in his arm. Incredible, he lifts her so easily...like she weights nothing.
Suggestion:
I think 'arm' should be 'arms, and I'd recommend changing 'Incredible' to 'Incredibly' and 'weights' to 'weighs' to get:
Ebele is still in shock, so Robert carries her in his arms. Incredibly, he lifts her so easily...like she weighs nothing.
Original:
I gently push her away and look into her eyes. She kisses me on the cheecks several times.
Suggestion:
'cheecks' is a misspelling and should be 'cheeks'
Original:
As he does so, the bag slips from his fingers and crashes to the ground. An explosion of golden coins attracts the nearby beggars. They descent on the coins like bees on honey!
Suggestion:
'descent' is a noun, and you want the verb 'descend' to get:
They descend on the coins like bees on honey!
Original:
Heileen
I...sorry...
Suggestion:
I'd recommend making 'I' into "I'm"
I'm...sorry...
Original:
This is another case of making the written match the audio. It originally looks like:
Otto
Especially now that we have also Robert and Ebele to feed...
Suggestion:
Drop the 'also' and the written will match the audio.
Original:
Audio matching time again. Original is:
Otto
And now what I should do!
Suggestion:
Put the 'I' after 'should' and it will match the audio. Also, you might want to change the punctuation to a question mark.
And now what should I do?
Original:
Marcus
Bye bye.
Suggestion:
Just a hyphen between the 'bye's:
Bye-bye.
Original:
Robert
Haha a small bag.
Suggestion:
Maybe put an ellipses after the 'haha':
Haha...a small bag.
Original:
She grabs my hand leads me back to the bushes. Her skin is surprisingly soft, and the dep sun tanned shade is so beautiful.
Suggestion:
I would plut an 'and' after hand:
She grabs my hand and leads me back to the bushes.
Original:
Heileen
Yaawn! What, what a dream...
Suggestion:
I'd recommend changing the comma to an ellipsis. This would suggest she is waking up a bit more and her repitition is due to that.
Yawn! What...what a dream...
Original:
Elias
A chocolate tablet. Is a very new confection, but quite delicious. A Dutch friend of mine gave it to me before this voyage.
Suggestion:
To match the audio, change the "Is" to "It's" and get:
A chocolate tablet. It's a very new confection, but quite delicious.
Original:
The aroma of the rum brings out the deep bitterness of the chocolated mixed with the delicate sweetness.
Suggestion:
It should be 'chocolate' and not 'chocolated'
Original:
I don't bother to pay attention to him ramblings, focusing on enjoying the sweetness of the chocolate. I notice Marie is waving to me.
Suggestion:
Change 'him' to 'his' and get:
I don't bother to pay attention to his ramblings, focusing on the sweetness of the chocolate.
Original:
Black
But, that simple materialistic pleasure was enough to make you forget about them!
Suggestion:
To match the audio, you need to put an 'all' before 'about:
But, that simple materialistic pleasure was enough to make you forget all about them!
Original
Heileen
I freezing...
Suggestion:
Make it an "I'm" instead of "I":
I'm freezing...
Original:
Heileen
You...didn't mean to lick the chocolate from my feet, didn't you?
Suggestion:
It is a bit nuanced, but the 'didn't' before 'you' at the end should be 'did'.
You...didn't mean to lick the chocolate from my feet, did you?
Original:
Heileen
L-lora?
Suggestion:
The second 'l' really should be capitalized as well:
L-Lora?
Original:
Black
Aren't you curious to know who is?
Suggestion:
To match the audio, put an 'it' before 'is' to get:
Aren't you curious to know who it is?
Original:
Tears form my eyes. I'm not even sure why I'm crying. Do I miss John? Or am I angry that Lora seems to be cheating on Otto?
Suggestion:
Add 'in' after 'form' to get:
Tears form in my eyes.
Original:
Heileen
Finish? What they were talking about? I hope it's not what I'm thinking!
Suggestion:
Rearrange the second sentence by switching 'they' and 'were':
Finish? What were they talking about? I hope it's not what I'm thinking!
Original:
I pull the sheets over myself, and hide head under the pillow. I'd rather not hear what she has to say.
Suggestion:
Add a 'my' before 'head' to get:
I pull the sheets over myself, and hide my head under the pillow. I'd rather not hear what she has to say.
Original:
Heileen
That bowl! It's the one of the dream!
Suggestion:
Just a small preposition bit. Change 'of' to 'in':
That bowl! It's the one in the dream!
Original:
Tell Lora that was only a bad dream.
Suggestion:
Change 'that' to 'it' to get:
Tell Lora it was only a bad dream.
Original:
She blow me a kiss before leaving.
Suggestion:
'blow' should be 'blows':
She blows me a kiss before leaving.
Original:
Well...nevermind. Is like a big cat.
Suggestion:
'Is' should be "It's":
Well...nevermind. It's like a big cat.
Original:
Ebele
Robert you have pain to the arm? Let me take a look.
Suggestion:
To match the audio, change 'to' to 'in' to get:
Robert you have pain in the arm? Let me take a look.
Original:
Ebele
I know a natural remedy but you should go in the jungle to gather herbs...and I would need a bowl to mix the ingredients!
Suggestion:
To match the audio, change 'would' to 'will':
...and I will need a bowl to mix the ingredients!
Original:
The forest is quite extended though. It takes several days to pass through it. Even such a strong man like Robert need to rest.
Suggestion:
'extended' should be 'extensive' and 'need' should be 'needs':
The forest is quite extensive though. It takes several days to pass through it. Even such a strong man like Robert needs to rest.
Original:
We follow down to see if there is any better place where we can pass.
Suggestion:
Put 'it' after 'follow':
We follow it down to see if there is any better place where we can pass.
Original:
The show before our eyes is shocking.
Suggestion:
Based on the context of what happens, I think 'sight' would be a better choice than 'show':
The sight before our eyes is shocking.
Original:
Ebele
But he says that he can't be the one that goes on the other side, since he weights too much! It must be one of us!
Suggestion:
'weights' should be 'weighs' (the first is a noun, the latter a verb)
Original:
I want to inspect the river border again. Maybe there is a better spot to cross it, that we didn't notice the first time.
Suggestion:
You can remove the comma after 'it' and before 'that' if you want.
Original
I doubt even a skilled weaver would be able to build a rope with that. Those vines seems too fragile anyway!
Suggestion:
'seem' should replace 'seems' (just a different verb tense for the plural)
Original:
I head down to the spot that Robert showed me, start fishing.
Suggestion:
Put an 'and' before 'start':
I head down to the spot that Robert showed me, and start fishing.
Original:
Heileen:
Ah no, it was just my impression. Damn.
Suggestion:
You may wish to replace 'impression' with 'imagination'.
Original:
Magdalene
I hope your uncle Otto won't change his plans again, like last year...
Suggestion:
Capitalize the 'u' in 'uncle'
Original:
Heileen
M-marcus?
Suggestion:
Capitalize the 'm' in 'marcus' as well.
Original:
Heileen is talking to Magdalene
Heileen
What
Suggestion:
Put a question mark after the 'What'
What?
Original:
Heileen
Why she was angry at me?
Suggestion:
Switch the positions of 'she' and 'was', and replace 'at' with 'with':
Why was she angry with me?
Original:
Robert
She doesn't want me, but then? She can have only you.
Suggestion:
Another change text to match the audio. Switch 'have' and 'only' to match the audio:
She doesn't want me, but then? She can only have you.
Original:
Heileen
J-john?
Suggestion:
Capitalize the 'j' in 'john' as well:
J-John?
Original:
As I try to get up, l a sharp pain shoots through my right ankle.
Suggestion:
Looks like an 'l' snuck in before the 'a', and should be removed:
As I try to get up, a sharp pain shoots through my right ankle.
Original:
Heileen
Can you help me carry an heavy item to Ebele's place?
Suggestion:
Change 'an' to 'a':
Can you help me carry a heavy item to Ebele's place?
Original:
Heileen
But is heavy, can you help me carry it?
Suggestion:
Change 'is' to "it's"
But it's heavy, can you help me carry it?
Original:
Ebele
Yes, I'm sure in two we will manage to carry it.
Suggestion:
The audio doesn't have 'in', and put 'we' in front of 'two'. Change both, and the text will match the audio.
Yes, I'm sure we two will manage to carry it.
Original
Heileen:
Ebele, please. Go call Robert, we will both get injured if you keep this up.
Suggestion:
Change the comma after 'Robert' to a semicolon:
Ebele, please. Go call Robert; we will both get injured if you keep this up.
Original:
Lora
Don't worry, will be back soon.
Suggestion:
Change 'will' to "I'll" and the text will match the audio:
Don't worry, I'll be back soon.
Original:
I hear the move to the kitchen, so I decide to move closer to see what they've been up to.
Suggestion:
Change 'the' to 'them':
I hear them move to the kitchen, so I decide to move closer to see what they've been up to.
Original:
John
Who you think you are? I do what I want!
Suggestion:
Add 'do' after 'Who' to get the text to match the audio:
Who do you think you are? I do what I want!
Original:
Jonathan
What the ! are you trying to kill me?
Suggestion:
Capitalize the 'a' in 'are'.
Original:
Hello, Robert. You remember what you said me a few days ago?
Suggestion:
Put a 'to' before 'me':
Hello Robert. You remember what you said to me a few days ago?
Original:
He knees down, and keeps his head down.
Suggestion:
Change 'knees' to 'kneels'
He kneels down, and keeps his head down.
Original:
Marie
As if that weren't enough, we're almost ouf of food.
Suggestion:
'ouf' should be 'out'
Original:
Heileen
Everything? There's still lot of food!
Suggestion:
put 'a' before 'lot':
Everything? There's still a lot of food!
Original:
Heileen
Also is time you respected our opinions! After all, we all have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
Suggestion:
Change the first 'is' to "it's":
Also it's time you respected our opinions! After all, we all have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
Original:
Heileen
What you mean?
Suggestion:
Put a 'do' after 'What':
What do you mean?
Original:
Heileen
How could this happen? Marie please, help me find it...
Suggestion:
Move the comma to after 'Marie' to get:
How could this happen? Marie, please help me find it...
Original
Heileen
B-black! I didn't ruin anyone's life!
Suggestion:
Capitalize the second B in Black as well:
B-Black! I didn't ruin anyone's life!
Original:
Black is right. What I have done? Fifty pence was nothing to me. Why did I go to Sister Anna? I could have spoken with him first.
Suggestion:
Switch 'have' and 'I' in the second sentence:
Black is right. What have I done?
Original:
Heileen
Eh? What you mean?
Suggestion:
Add a 'do' after 'What':
Eh? What do you mean?
Original:
Heileen
How...how is possible?
Suggestion:
I'd suggest putting 'this' after 'is':
How...how is this possible?
Original:
His eyes fill with tears, and he kneels at my feet. My face flushes read from embarassment.
Suggestion:
'read' should be 'red' and 'embarassment' needs two r's
His eyes fill with tears, and he kneels at my feet. My face flushes red from embarrassment.
Original:
Heileen
M-marco? Sure, come inside!
Suggestion:
The second 'm' in 'marco' should also be capitalized:
Heileen
M-Marco? Sure, come inside!
Original:
I being to climb across the rope, but my arms are incredibly weak. It's hard to cling on.
Suggestion:
'being' should be 'begin':
I begin to climb across the rope, but my arms are incredibly weak. It's hard to cling on.
Original:
That was much more embarassing that I wanted it to be, and now Ebele is fuming with jealousy.
Suggestion:
'embarassing' should be 'embarrassing', and 'that' should be 'than' to get:
That was much more embarrassing than I wanted it to be, and now Ebele is fuming with jealousy.
Original:
Heileen
What I should do?
Suggestion:
Switch 'I' and 'should':
What should I do?
Original:
Ebele
Goodnight.
Suggestion:
Put a space between 'Good' and 'night':
Ebele
Good night.
Original:
You' ARE cute! And a really nice person.
Suggestion:
Remove the apostrophe after "You'":
You ARE cute! And a really nice person.
Original:
Marie
Well, you should probably rest. An don't forget your medicine.
Suggestion:
Change the 'An' to 'And':
Well, you should probably rest. And don't forget your medicine.
Original:
Ebele
H-heileen...I feel bad...
Suggestion:
Capitalize the second 'h' in 'heileen':
H-Heileen...I feel bad...
Original:
What I do now? I could give the medicine to one of them or try splitting it between them. But that might not work...
Suggestion:
Add a 'do' after 'What':
What do I do now? I could give the medicine to one of them...
Original:
Johnathan and Otto leave, still bantering with each other. I wonder what's doing on...
Suggestion:
'doing' should be 'going':
Johnathan and Otto leave, still bantering with each other. I wonder what's going on.
Original:
I run towards him, it feels weird to see him smiling and holding his arms out to me.
Suggestion:
The comma after 'him' should be a semicolon:
I run towards him; it feels weird to see him smiling and holding his arms out to me.
Original:
Heileen
Yes, you were treatening him really poorly!
Suggestion:
'treatening' should be 'treating':
Yes, you were treating him really poorly!
Oringal:
Heileen
How we know who weighs less?
Suggestion:
Put a 'do' after the 'How':
How do we know who weighs less?
Original:
I pull ou the diamond from my pouch and hold it up for all to see.
Suggestion:
'ou' should be 'out'
I pull out the diamond from my pouch and hold it up for all to see.
Original:
Morgan comes up to me with a sile.
Suggestion:
'sile' should be 'smile':
Morgan comes up to me with a smile.
Original:
Luckily they're so eager to eat, that most of them down the food without pausing.
Suggestion:
You comma after 'eat' isn't necessary.:
Luckily they're so eager to eat that most of them down the food without pausing.
Original:
The tone of Robert's voice is so imposing, I'm sure they've earned their lesson!
Suggestion:
'earned' should be 'learned', though the tribe members certainly earned it :D
Original:
What should I say? I'm not that surprised, honestly...I mean, Otto was always leaving her at home alone, and they're not married. She's IS a mistress after all.
Suggestion:
Change "She's" to "She":
She IS a mistress after all.
Original:
Black
She said she had to resume her old job. After they brought Robert and Ebele to Liverpool, they didn't had enough money to feed you all.
Suggestion:
To have the text match the audio, change 'had' to 'have':
...they didn't have enough money to feed you all.