Steam Version Heileen 1 - Grammar/Typos

A visual novel set in the 17th century: http://www.heileen.com/
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Miakoda
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Steam Version Heileen 1 - Grammar/Typos

Post by Miakoda » Sun Jun 01, 2014 4:35 pm

I know this is an old game, but there are a few minor typos you might look at if you have time.

Original:
Even though living secluded in my own little world by routine brings me peace of mind, I would never live life to its fullest.

Suggestion:
I would recommend changing the 'by' before routine to 'of'. 'By' implies it was caused by something. This would give:
Even though living secluded in my own little world of routine brings me peace of mind...

Original:
Marie
What a surprise since. I thought you'd know since you're Otto's niece.

Suggestion:
You have part of a sentence in the first part. You could make two sentences:
What a surprise! I thought you'd know since you're Otto's niece.

Or make it one sentence:
What a surprise since I thought you'd know since you're Otto's niece.

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jack1974
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Re: Steam Version Heileen 1 - Grammar/Typos

Post by jack1974 » Sun Jun 01, 2014 5:13 pm

Thanks, will wait until you've finished all and then do them all at once :)

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Miakoda
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Re: Steam Version Heileen 1 - Grammar/Typos

Post by Miakoda » Sun Jun 01, 2014 9:51 pm

jack1974 wrote:Thanks, will wait until you've finished all and then do them all at once :)
That would be my suggestion as well :) Additionally, I will be adding to this part of my post as I discover things.

You use 'womaniser' and 'womanizer' in the game. Both are proper, but you might stay with one version or the other. As this game uses British spellings, then you probably should use 'womaniser'

Original:
Otto
Now excuse me, I'm keeping captain Adam waiting.

Suggestion:
'captain' should be capitalized to get:
Now excuse me, I'm keeping Captain Adam waiting.

Original:
But since he met her a few years ago, he seems to have been "loyal" to her..

Suggestion:
Looks like you need another period after 'her' to make an ellipsis:
But since he met her a few years ago, he seems to have been "loyal" to her...

Original:
Marie
Well, she is quite the a woman.

Suggestion:
Remove the 'a' before 'woman' to get:
Well, she is quite the woman.

Original:
Lora
Hmmm...I would never let a beautiful girl like you alone if I was in him...!

Suggestion:
Remove the 'in' before 'him'. I'd also suggest changing 'let' to 'leave' and it would look like this:
Hmm...I would never leave a beautiful girl like you alone if I was him...!

Original:
...and there were always few boys hidden in bushes nearby that were spying on me!

Suggestion:
Put an 'a' before 'few', and put a 'the' before 'bushes' to get
...and there were always a few boys hidden in the bushes nearby that were spying on me!

Original:
And then she'd make make into the joke on this ship!

Suggestion:
Remove one 'make' and add an 'it' before 'into' to get:
And then she'd make it into the joke on this ship!

Original:
Heileen
Yawn! Yes, don't you see? I'm still half asleep...

Suggestion:
Put a hyphen between 'half' and 'asleep' to get:
Yawn! Yes, don't you see? I'm still half-asleep...

Original:
I go back to sleep, as tired as a horse jaded.

Suggestion:
'jaded' normally goes before 'horse' for the phrase 'jaded horse' and you would get:
I go back to sleep, as tired as a jaded horse.

Original:
I realise I've inadvertantly attracted the attention of all our table mates to Marie.

Suggestion:
You can combine 'table' and 'mates' to get 'tablemates' which is a proper word :)
I realise I've inadvertantly attracted the attention of all our tablemates to Marie.

Original:
He nods for Maria and I to follow him.

Suggestion:
'Maria' should be 'Marie'

Original:
She's really fell in love with John!

Suggestion:
There is some tense mix-up. You could go with:
She really fell in love with John!
or
She's really fallen in love with John!

Original:
The two contenders start the fight...Jack takes the lead initially. Seeing his rock muscles inflate is quite a sight to behold!

Suggestion:
You may wish to put '-hard' after 'rock' to get:
The two contenders start the fight...Jack takes the lead initially. Seeing his rock-hard muscles inflate is quite a sight to behold!

Original:
Ahia! you almost broke my arm! Are you mad?

Suggestion:
The 'you' should be capitalized before 'almost' to get:
Ahia! You almost broke my arm! Are you mad?

Original:
What did you call us, uncivilised ape!?

Suggestion:
You might put a 'you' before 'uncivilised' to get:
What did you call us, you uncivilised ape!?

Original:
I have thousands of thoughts running through my mind but can't speak a single word!How embarrassing...

Suggestion:
You need to put some space between 'word!' and 'How!

Original:
My screams don't catch Jack's or Marie attention.

Suggestion:
'Marie' should be possessive, to get:
My screams don't catch Jack's or Marie's attention.

Original:
Heileen
Long story...For now, let's stick with "I feel down"

Suggestion:
You may wish to change 'feel' to 'fell'. Although, with her injury, Heileen undoubtedly feels down.

Original:
John lifts me carries me in his arms.

Suggestion:
This looks incomplete. You could either put an 'and' between 'me' and 'carries', but I would recommend putting a comma after the first 'me' and change 'carries to 'carrying' to get:
John lifts me, carrying me in his arms.

Original:
Lora
What more can we ask?

Suggestion:
Since it was talking about Elias' appearance, you might wish to add a 'for' after 'ask' to get:
What more can we ask for?

Original:
And you didn't follow her right?

Suggestion:
I would recommend putting a comma after 'her' to get:
And you didn't follow her, right?

Original:
You don't have to afraid of the dark, pretty one.

Suggestion:
Add 'be' after 'to' to get:
You don't have to be afraid of the dark, pretty one.

Original:
John
I think he's the typical "I-know-everything" guy, why you're asking?

Suggestion:
I recommend putting a semicolong after 'guy', and changing the last portion to 'why are you asking?' I think it flows better putting 'are' before 'you' and you could get:
I think he's the typical "I-know-everything" guy; why are you asking?

Original:
Captain Adam says we're half way to the New World.

Suggestion:
Put 'half' and 'way' as one word:
Captain Adam says we're halfway to the New World.

Original:
She rubs my back, massages me shoulders.

Suggestion:
That 'me' should be 'my' to get:
She rubs my back, massages my shoulders.

Original:
I see like a sparkle in Marie's eyes.

Suggestion:
Remove the 'like' to get:
I see a sparkle in Marie's eyes.

Original:
Marco
W-what? why did you steal it?

Suggestion:
The 'why' should be capitalized:
W-what? Why did you steal it?

Original:
Burt
Who invited you here? I don't need such a snob, arrogant person on my boat!

Suggestion:
You probably want to make 'snob' into an adjective like 'snobbish':
Who invited you here? I don't need such a snobbish, arrogant person on my boat!

Original:
I'd never I'd consciously want to go see those two.

Suggestion:
Remove the second 'I'd' to get:
I'd never consciously want to go see those two.

Original:
I noticed something was wrong with you, so you and Burt out to the captain.

Suggestion:
There seems to be a little missing with 'with you, so you and Burt out'. Maybe add, 'so I pointed you and Burt' to get:
I noticed something was wrong with you, so I pointed you and Burt out to the captain.

Original:
What girl wouldn't want to be seduced by such handsome boy?

Suggestion:
I recommend adding an 'a' before 'handsome' to get:
What girl wouldn't want to be seduced by such a handsome boy?

Original:
Why would any woman want stay down there?

Suggestion:
Put a 'to' before 'stay' to get:
Why would any woman want to stay down there?

Original:
incredible...I've never seen such a beautiful woman before!

Suggestion:
Capitalize the i in 'incredible' to get:
Incredible...I've never seen such a beautiful woman before!

Original:
Marie
...Heileen, you musthurry!

Suggestion:
Put a space between 'must' and 'hurry' to get:
...Heileen, you must hurry!

Original:
Ebele
But don't worry. Found manyfruits.

Suggestion:
Put a space between 'many' and 'fruits' to get:
But don't worry. Found many fruits.

Original:
Heileen
Marie need me!

Suggestion:
'need' should be 'needs':
Marie needs me!

Original:
Marie couldn't saved energy by not saving me.

Suggestion:
I think you meant to say Marie 'could've saved energy' along the lines of:
Marie could've saved energy by not saving me.

Original:
I have Marie, afterall...

Suggestion:
There should be a space between 'after' and 'all':
I have Marie, after all...

Original:
Even as the tables fill up, Lora doesn't playing entertainer.

Suggestion:
'playing' seems like it should be 'play' to get:
Even as the tables fill up, Lora doesn't play entertainer.

Original:
Marie:
I'm sorry...to have doubted and Otto...

Suggestion:
It looks like it either needs 'Lora' before the 'and', or else, you can remove the 'and' entirely. It could look like:
Marie
I'm sorry...to have doubted Lora and Otto...
or
I'm sorry...to have doubted Otto...

Original:
Heileen
Thanks you!

Suggestion:
Should be 'Thank' instead of 'Thanks' to get:
Thank you!

Original:
I to look at her.

Suggestion:
Remove the 'to' to get:
I look at her.

Original:
She tries to hide it from everyone, though is clear that there's something wrong with her.

Suggestion:
I'd recommend put 'it' before 'is', or combine the two:
She tries to hide it from everyone, though it's clear that there's something wrong with her.

Original:
She (and Otto) made the decision to bring Robert and Ebele aboard the Cat's Dreams, did she?

Suggestion:
'did' should be 'didn't' to get:
She (and Otto) made the decision to bring Robert and Ebele aboard the Cat's Dreams, didn't she?

Original:
She's had to deal with the throughts and the worries.

Suggestion:
'Throughts' isn't a word. Did you mean 'thoughts' or 'threats'?

Original:
Burt
I know this! we can't survive here!

Suggestion:
The 'we' should be capitalized for:
I know this! We can't survive here!

Original:
It as like a dream.

Suggestion:
I think that 'as' should be 'is':
It is like a dream.

Original:
Living all day like if was the last one.

Suggestion:
Feels a bit fragmented. Maybe go with:
Living all day as if it was the last one.

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