Steam Testing

Life simulation game in a fantasy world: http://www.winterwolves.com/spiritedheart.htm
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Miakoda
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Steam Testing

Post by Miakoda » Sat May 03, 2014 2:25 am

I know the official release is a ways off, but I will make a small thread for minor typos, etc. that I come across. There won't be a whole lot here as I'm going to be preoccupied for the next couple days with work, etc. Afterward should be fine (and also a chance to play SotW ;) ).

Achievements:
Okay, pictures will be added to the achievements later, so at least that isn't a bug.

Loading game:
Unless I am misremembering, but I believe the last save used to be highlighted in Yellow. That doesn't occur here.

Original:
At the start, if you choose the noble
While living as a noble, you were never lacking.

Suggestion:
The last part of the sentence feels a bit rough. You might consider going with 'you never lacked for anything.'

Original:
Your research, wisdom and concentration greatly increase, but as side effect you've lost creativity, dexterity, and art.

Suggestion:
Put an 'a' after 'as' to get and a comma after 'effect'
Your research, wisdom and concentration greatly increase, but as a side effect, you've lost creativity, dexterity, and art.

Original:
They're have the advantage in numbers, but the mercenaries' skills and weapons are superior, and they defeat the bandits easily.

Suggestion:
The 'They're' should simple be 'They' to get:
They have the advantages in numbers, but the mercenaries' skill and weapons are superior, and they defeat the bandits easily.

Original:
This is the status screen: from here you can see your character sheet, change job, and in general monitor your progress during the game. In the beginning, only certain jobs are available, because the more advanced ones have higher minimum requirements.

Suggestion:
I would add an 's' to 'job' so the phrase is 'change jobs'

Original:
Yana
I'm trying to thinking. I need absolute quiet.

Suggestion:
Change 'thinking' to 'think' to get:
I'm trying to think. I need absolute quiet.

Original:
I couldn't believe she tricked me! But...she seemed so believable!

I wonder if she really does realize she's spoiled or not?

Suggestion:
I recommend changing 'couldn't' to 'can't'. This would make it more in the present tense.

Original:
Either way, the chickens needed to be caught before I lost my job. I grumble and head back to the coop.

Suggestion:
The first sentence is past tense, and the second is present tense. I would recommend making the first sentence present tense as well by changing 'needed' to 'need' and 'lost' to 'lose' to get:
Either way, the chickens need to be caughter before I lose my job. I grumble and head back to the coop.

Original:
Ramas:
My name is Ramas, and I am the captain of the imperial guards.

Suggestion:
As an important position, I would capitalize 'Captain' and 'Imperial Guards' to get:
My name is Ramas, and I am the Captain of the Imperial Guards.

Original:
Hellen
My name is Hellen, what do you want?

Suggestion:
Make two separate sentences after Hellen to get:
My name is Hellen. What do you want?

Original:
From the look on his face, I assume he didn't expect a girl like me be a guard.

Suggestion:
You need a 'to' before the 'be' to get:
From the look on his face, I assume he didn't expect a girl like me to be a guard

Original:
You were a lonely kid, since your father was busy with his duties as a General, so your social skills didn't develop well. Luckily, your nanny was kind, and she raised you well; you spent a lot of time studying with her and when your father was home, he trained you, raising your dexterity. But in such a rigid environment you lost some creativity.

Suggestion:
You can remove the comma after 'kid' in the first sentence. I would also make a new sentence after the phrase '...studying with her'. The reason for this is the first sentence would refer to your nanny, while the second one refers to your father. You could start a new sentence with ‘When your father’ and combine the last phrase (the one starting with ‘But’) into the sentence. It could look like:
Luckily, your nanny was kind and she raised you well; you spent a lot of time studying with her. When your father was home, he trained you, raising your dexterity, but in such a rigid environment you lost some creativity.

Original:
Your father has his own private library which is locked at all time, and nobody has permission to enter.

Suggestion:
Change 'at all' to 'all the' to get:
Your father has his own private library which is locked all the time, and nobody has permission to enter.

Original:
He misses the army a lot, the thrill of battle. Even though he knows that too old to fight anymore.

Suggestion:
The two sentences above should be one since you are using a transition in 'even though'. Additionally change the 'that' to 'he is' to get:
He misses the army a lot, the thrill of battle; even though he knows he is too old to fight anymore.

Original:
The cave is not south-east of Triberg, not south.

Suggestion:
Two negatives. I think you meant:
The cave is south-east of Triberg, not south.

Original:
Wow...her mood changed so suddenly. But it's interesting to see her so happy about something.

Suggestion:
Make the two into one sentence to get:
Wow...her mood changed so suddenly, but it's interesting to see her so happy about something.

Original:
Tell a lie, saying that you haven't any money.

Suggestion:
Change 'haven't' to 'don't have' to get:
Tell a lie, saying that you don't have any money.

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Miakoda
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Re: Steam Testing

Post by Miakoda » Tue May 06, 2014 10:31 pm

Since everyone has SotW well in hand, I will do some more testing of SH.

First, I notice something I hesitate to call a bug, but it is nice when included. You know how a 'save' has a different color when it was the very last save?
The color is missing in the Steam version of Spirited Heart (at least for me it is).


The following is a bit big, but I do think it would read easier with some slight changes. However, ignore them if you like.
Original:
Your father however doesn't like the idea very much, he always has been reluctant to frequent those snobbish places. But you would like to go there, to see what the life of a nobleman is like at least once in your life.

Suggestion:
You need a semi-colon after 'very much'. Some other changes to consider is dropping the 'however' from the first sentence, and use it to replace the 'But' in the last sentence (which reads like a sentence fragment). Also, it might read a little easier if you combined 'he' and 'has' followed by 'always'. It might look like this:
Your father doesn't like the idea very much; he's always been reluctant to frequent those snobbish places. However, you would like to go there, to see what the life of a nobleman is like at least once in your life.

Original:
He is not going to let you go there alone, he says its too dangerous for you, considering your age! But as a counteroffer, he brings you out for dinner at a local restaurant.

Suggestion:
There should be a semicolon after 'alone'. Also, you may consider replacing 'takes' for 'brings' (in the US, the phrase is usually take someone out for dinner, on a date, etc.) It might look like:
He is not going to let you go there alone; he says its too dangerous for you, considering your age! But as a counteroffer, he takes you out for dinner at a local restaurant.

Original:
You tell her that, sadly, you don't have any money with you, but she asks you come inside to take a look at what they do.

Suggestion:
Put a 'to' before 'come' to get:
...but she asks you to come inside to take a look at what they do.

Original:
You enter the temple, and you see what they do to help poor people: they give them shelter, food funded by donations and selling handmade artisan crafts.

Suggestion:
I think you can rearrange the second part to make a better sentence along the lines of:
they give them shelter and food, funded by donations and selling handmade artisan crafts.

Original:
Your father was right, you aren't good enough to start selling you art.

Suggestion:
There should be a semicolon after 'right'. The 'you' before 'art' should be 'your'.
Your father was right; you aren't good enough to start selling your art.


Original:
Frebo:
Well I'm afraid I can't be of any help. I don't practise black magic.

Suggestion:
This is not a typo, but may consider using the US spelling for 'practise' which would be 'practice'

Original:
Frebo:
I only asked if anyone was interested in black magic; I never said I practised it personally!

Suggestion:
As above, you may consider changing 'practised' to 'practiced' for a US audience.

Original:
Frebo:
What are you afraid of not receiving the King's contribution for the education of the his subjects?

Suggestion:
Not a typo, but you may want to use 'stipend' in place of 'contribution'

Original:
Frebo:
What a pity, if you'd said yes, I could have sent you to a friend of mine who is a witch.

Suggestion:
Make a separate sentence for the phrase 'What a pity' to get:
What a pity. If you'd said yes, I could have sent you to a friend of mine who is a witch.

Original:
Ruko:
Well, do you want to teach me something interesting ? Yes or no?

Suggestion:
It looks like there is an extra space between 'interesting' and the question mark.

Original:
But usually, people who have the honor to become a research have huge farewell parties since they are essentially leaving behind life as they knew it.

Suggestion:
I believe 'research' should be 'researcher'. Additionally, you may drop the 'But' as well:
Usually, people who have the honor to become a researcher have huge farewell parties since they are essentially leaving behind life as they knew it.

Original:
It's so cold outside! You're so happy that you don't have to go out to work...you relax yourself at home, reading books, taking hot baths, sleeping and generally taking care of yourself.

Suggestion:
The first 'yourself' before 'at home' is a little redundant. You could remove it to get:
...you relax at home, reading books, taking hot baths, sleeping and generally taking care of yourself.

Original:
It's so cold outside! You're so happy that you don't have to go out to work...you relax yourself at home, reading books, taking hot baths, sleeping and generally taking care of yourself.

Suggestion:
The first 'yourself' before 'at home' is a little redundant. You could remove it to get:
...you relax at home, reading books, taking hot baths, sleeping and generally taking care of yourself.

Original
Mgorem:
If you want to drink, just do it. On the ground like a dog.

Suggestion.
Since this is a conversation, you might get more emphasis if you make 'On the ground like a dog' two sentences. However, you don't have to. This is just a stylistic suggestion.
If you want to drink, just do it. On the ground. Like a dog.

Original:
The men try to stop you, but before they knew you already slipped through the hole and start searching for the missing worker.

Suggestion:
'before they knew you' is a bit confusing. Maybe go with 'know it, you've already...' to get:
The men try to stop you, but before they know it, you've already slipped through the hole and start searching for the missing worker.

Original:
You decide it's not your place to interfere, so you let the men to do their own thing.

Suggestion:
Remove the 'to' after 'men' to get:
You decide it's not your place to interfere, so you let the men do their own thing.

Original:
Time for a hard day of work! I enter the building site of a new villa that we were hired to build.

Suggestion:
'building site' would properly be called a 'build site'. If you want, you could also go with 'construction site' so you don't have to variations of build in the same sentence:
Time for a hard day of work! I enter the construction site of a new villa that we were hired to build.

Original:
A beautiful, blond Elf woman is standing nearby, watching me working.

Suggestion:
Change 'working' to 'work' to get:
A beautiful, blond Elf woman is standing nearby, watching me work.

Original:
The wood creaks and she springs away from it in terror. Shortly after, I watch all of my hard work splint and fall to the ground.

Suggestion:
I'd suggest changing 'splint' to 'splinter'. Splint means to make secure, but splinter is what happens when it breaks.
...Shortly after, I watch all of my hard work splinter and fall to the ground.

Original:
She grabs the rabbit and pulls from the scaffolding. She smiles and holds up the animal unscathed.

Suggestion:
I'd recommend putting an 'it' before 'scaffolding' to specify Thym pulls the rabbit away:
She grabs the rabbit, and pulls it from the scaffolding.

Original:
Ruko:
It's not like you meet someone as great as you every day, after all.

Suggestion:
I think the first 'you' to 'I':
It's not like I meet someone as great as you every day, after all.


Original:
Ruko
Objectively...your room was messy. How was I supposed to know that you wanted it that way.

Suggestion:
The last sentence should have a question mark instead of a period:
...How was I supposed to know that you wanted it that way?

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jack1974
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Re: Steam Testing

Post by jack1974 » Wed May 07, 2014 6:50 am

Thanks will check those out :)

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Re: Steam Testing

Post by jack1974 » Wed May 07, 2014 2:25 pm

Miakoda wrote: First, I notice something I hesitate to call a bug, but it is nice when included. You know how a 'save' has a different color when it was the very last save?
The color is missing in the Steam version of Spirited Heart (at least for me it is).
I've fixed this now :) also checked all your other typos/suggestions! thanks :)

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Miakoda
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Re: Steam Testing

Post by Miakoda » Fri May 09, 2014 12:13 am

jack1974 wrote:I've fixed this now :) also checked all your other typos/suggestions! thanks :)
Yep, the save color works. Thanks a bunch!

A few more suggestions:

Original
Ramas
A few formalities. But what are you doing here in the first place?

Suggestion:
The first phrase, 'a few formalities' is confusing to me. Maybe it is missing a word. Perchance, use of 'first', like 'First, a few formalities.'


Original:
Ramas
Ha ha, that's a good one! I like your sense of the humour!

Suggestion:
Drop 'the' before 'humour' to get:
I like your sense of humour!

Original:
A watchman has accidentally dropped the keys to Torzas' grave into a hole. The Torzas family is very powerful in this area.

Suggestion:
I suggest putting a 'the' before the first 'Torzas'. This would make it more clear the Torzas are a family, and not just an individual in the first sentence.
A watchman has accidentally dropped the keys to the Torzas' grave in a hole.

Original:
Yuza
Good bye

Suggestion:
Put a hyphen between 'Good' and 'bye'

Original:
Ruko
I didn't think so.

Suggestion:
In the context of the dialogue, I think you should use 'don't' instead of 'didn't'.

Original:
Thofte
Now should be fine. Let's so.

Suggestion:
I believe the 'so' should be 'go':
Now should be fine. Let's go.

Original:
Unfortunately, you still have a lot of work to do before the day is through. You seriously don't think you'll be able to make through the rest of the day...

Suggestion:
I would add an 'it' after 'make' to get:
You seriously don't think you'll be able to make it through the rest of the day...

Original:
You think taking a little break couldn't possibly hurt anyone, you decide to rest in a secluded place behind the barn.

Suggestion:
I reccomend making two sentences out of the first, ending the first one at 'anyone' to get:
You think taking a little break couldn't possibly hurt anyone. You decided to rest in a secluded place behind the barn.

Original:
Yana stares at me blankly, and the she growls.

Suggestion:
'the' should be 'then'
Yana stares at me blankly, and then she growls.

Original:
The Goddess disappears, quickly as she came. But now I have a new goal in my life!

Suggestion:
Put an 'as' before 'quickly'. I think it would flow better:
The Goddess disappears, as quickly she came.

Original:
Mgorem doesn't really care about beauty treatment...he pretend to be interested, but it probably would have been better to come here alone.

Suggestion:
You might change 'pretend' to 'pretends'.
...he pretends to be interested, but it probably would have been better to come here alone.

Original:
Surely a girl who is skilful and strong, wise and studious, but...with which career do I identify most of all? What will I do for the rest of my life?

Suggestion:
You might want to put a 'with' after 'identify' to get:
Surely a girl who is skilful and strong, wise and studious, but...with which career do I identify with most of all? What will I do for the rest of my life?

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Re: Steam Testing

Post by jack1974 » Fri May 09, 2014 3:34 pm

Miakoda wrote: Original
Ramas
A few formalities. But what are you doing here in the first place?

Suggestion:
The first phrase, 'a few formalities' is confusing to me. Maybe it is missing a word. Perchance, use of 'first', like 'First, a few formalities.'
I meant "no formalities" ? is correct to say that? when someone tells you to not be formal?

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Miakoda
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Re: Steam Testing

Post by Miakoda » Fri May 09, 2014 4:41 pm

jack1974 wrote: I meant "no formalities" ? is correct to say that? when someone tells you to not be formal?
Okay, that makes sense. I would recommend rephrasing slightly. I would actually go with 'No need for such formalities, please.' or 'You don't need to be so formal'. 'Few formalities' or 'No formalities' would be a more appropriate response for a question, whereas Ramas is telling the character she doesn't need to be so formal for him alone.

Just a slight update. I completed all romances with all races, male and female both. Additionally, you did fix the 'multiple' picture bug if you hit age 30.


Original:
Trixi
Yes...Goodbye and thanks!

Suggestion:
A hyphen between 'good' and 'bye':
Yes...Good-bye and thanks!

Original:
I insist on helping him, but I stumble and we fall both on the ground!

Suggestion:
Move 'fall' and 'both' around, and change the second 'on' to a 'to' to get:
I insist on helping him, but I stumble and we both fall to the ground!

Original:
Janimee:
Nothing. It's just that I'm only half elf. My mother was human...

Suggestion:
Put a hyphen between 'half' and 'elf' to get:
Nothing. It's just that I'm only half-elf. My mother was human...

Original:
Boss
Without scaffolding, he can't build up high. So, yes, ma'am, it's a terrible set back.

Suggestion:
I think you should use 'we' instead of 'he':
Without scaffolding, we can't build up high. So, yes, ma'am, it's a terrible set back.

Original:
Yuza
Good bye.

Suggestion:
Just a hyphen between 'Good' and 'bye' for:
Good-bye.

Original:
He goes away happily, as proud as when he entered. I suppose that was thanks to me!

Suggestion:
I think the adverb 'happily' should be a noun, 'happy' to get:
He goes away happy, as proud as when he entered. I suppose that was thanks to me!

Original:
Trixi
N-n-o! I just thought it complimented you skin tone better!

Suggestion:
The 'you' before 'skin' should be 'your' to get:
N-n-o! I just thought it complimented your skin tone better!

Original:
She's gone for a long time, and I only ever see her again until its time to close. She looks disheveled and unhappy.

Suggestion:
The latter part of the first sentence feels clumsy with the 'only ever see her again until' when I think you mean, 'I don't see her again until its time close.' It might look like:
She's gone for a long time, and I don't see her again until its time to close. She looks disheveled and unhappy.


Original:
I know I will come back to check on her after the route in was done.

Suggestion:
'route in' is a misspelling and should be 'routine' (as in dance routine):
I know I will come back to check on her after the routine was done.

Original:
Trixi
I know you by fame, it's just that I've never seen you before now...

Suggestion:
I don't really have a suggestion. I believe you meant to use 'name' instead of 'fame', but I like the idea of Trixi knowing Mgorem's fame ;)

Original:
Leah
Oh. Yes. I'm stilling going with you, don't worry. Thanks.

Suggestion:
'Stilling' should be 'still'
Oh. Yes. I'm still going with you, don't worry. Thanks.

Original:
Picking the Farmer background:
What you decide to do?

Suggestion:
Put a 'do' after the 'What' to get:
What do you decide to do?

Original:
From a farmer background
Your parents are too busy to protect you all the time, so uncle who lives in the nearby town. Your social skills decrease, but you benefit from your uncle's wisdom.

Suggestion:
The sentence jumps to 'uncle' without any description. Was the intent to have you move to your uncle?

Original:
The day is very cold, you can see the snow falling from your bedroom window.

Suggestion:
Put a semi-colon in place of the comma:
The day is very cold; you can see the snow falling from your bedroom window.

Original:
Hellen
No, really. I want to congratulate you on whatever magical powers of persuasion you must have to get your daddy to allow you sleep all day.

Suggestion:
There should be a 'to' before 'sleep':
...get your daddy to allow you to sleep all day.

Original:
Reid
I've decided that dancing is not for me. I've received an offer to work at Madame BonBon's Beauty Shoppe, so I am no longer you teacher.

Suggestion:
'you' before teacher should be 'your':
...so I am no longer your teacher.

Original:
I instantly summon vibrant dark magic from inside of me and in quick movements, I send bright purple flashes towards the theives, knocking them to the ground.

Suggestion:
'theives' is a misspelling. It should be 'thieves':
...bright purple flashes towards the thieves, knocking them to the ground.

Original:
His music is marvellous and all the neighbors look out to listen. Luckily, he had the good sense not to come here in the dead of night!

Suggestion:
"marvellous" is spelled wrong, it should only have one L for 'marvelous'
His music is marvelous and all the neighbors look out to listen.

Original:
Ramas
Next week I will pass by

Suggestion:
As Ramas is coming to pick up armour, I think you should change 'pass' to 'stop'.
Next week I will stop by

Original:
Ramas
Oh hi Hellen! This is Estelle....

The other sentence:
Oh hi Hellen! We were just coming to see you! This is Estelle...


Suggestion:
There are two sentences of this, where Ramas introduces his cousin Estelle (each appears depending the choice you make). I think it would work better to put a comma after 'Oh' to get:
Oh, hi Hellen!

Original:
Hellen:
How did you know that sentence off by heart? Answer me!

Suggestion:
Delete the 'off' to get:
How did you know that sentence by heart? Answer me!

Original:
His music is marvellous and all the neighbors look out to listen.

Suggestion:
This is another mispelling of 'marvellous'. It should have one 'l' to be 'marvelous'.

Original:
Frebo
Yes, I need to clean my magic office. Can you see all the dust?

Suggestion:
I think you need a 'you' after 'need' to get:
Yes, I need you to clean my magic office. Can you see all the dust?

Original:
Frebo
Look at that book

Suggestion:
It is missing punctuation. An ellipses or a period would work fine:
Look at that book...

Original:
Hellen
...I can't find my sword anymore!

Suggestion:
I think you meant to use 'anywhere' instead of 'anymore':
...I can't find my sword anywhere!

Original:
One of the lines you can say to Yuza:
Say goodbye and go back home

Suggestion:
Put a hyphen between 'good' and 'bye' to get:
Say good-bye and go back home

Original:
As we agreed, Leah worked in my stall in the marketplace. But she's an odd salesman.

Suggestion:
Change 'salesman' to 'saleswoman'. Later dialogues mention her as a 'saleswoman'.


Original:
Leah spins around and gasps, upon seeing the women.

Suggestion:
You don't need the comma after 'gasps'.

Original:
Leah. She's standing outside of my door, and see looks very serious.

Suggestion:
I believe the 'see' should be 'she':
Leah. She's standing outside of my door, and she looks very serious.

Original:
More like prison cells, if you ask me. That rule about them never living was so ridiculous!

Suggestion:
'living' looks like it should be 'leaving':
More like prison cells, if you ask me. That rule about them never leaving was so ridiculous!


Original:
Good bye, Hade.

Suggestion:
I'd recommend putting a hyphen between 'Good' and 'bye':
Good-bye, Hade.

Original:
I expected her to glare at me. Instead, she walked forwards almost mindless, reaching out for me.

Suggestion:
Change 'forwards' to 'forward', and add a comma after 'forward' to get:
I expected her to glare at me. Instead, she walked forward, almost mindless, reaching out for me.

Original:
She's working on the farm on her own free will.

Suggestion:
Change the 'on' after 'farm' to of:
She's working on the farm of her own free will.

Original:
Ria
Forgive me if have no respect for those noblemen.

Suggestion:
Put an 'I' before 'have' to get:
Forgive me if I have no respect for those noblemen.

Original:
I slid across the floor in a circle and perform my final of bending over backwards.

Suggestion:
'final' should be 'finale' (finale is the term for the end of a show like a movie or dance performance)

Original:
I did learn that she is now working at a local cabaret as leading dancer.

Suggestion:
'leading' should be 'lead':
I did learn that she is now working at a local cabaret as lead dancer.

Original:
Why wasn't I rolling money like she was?

Suggestion:
Put 'in' before money to get:
Why wasn't I rolling in money like she was?

Original:
Yana
Tick tock, tick tock

Suggestion:
I recommend putting hyphens betwee the 'tick' and 'tock':
Tick-tock, tick-tock

Original:
I poke my head out into the hall to look around, but instead I hear something very melodic..

Suggestion:
Add another period for the elipsis after melodic (it should be 3 dots):
, but instead I hear something very melodic...

Original:
If she could fool even me, then she had to be the best actor around!

Suggestion:
Change 'actor' to 'actress':
If she could fool even me, then she had to be the best actress around!

Original:
Nobleman
I'll see you'll pay for this!

Suggestion:
"you'll" is a contraction for "you will", but you can get by with just a plain "you":
I'll see you pay for this!

Original:
I chuckle to myself thinking about much Thym must have screwed up the landscaper's work.

Suggestion:
Put a 'how' before 'much':
I chuckle to myself thinking about how much Thym must have screwed up the landscaper's work.


The next several have house and keeper which should be one word:

Original:
I enter the house and am greeted by the head house keeper.

Suggestion:
'house' and 'keeper' should be one word, and look like this:
I entered the house, and am greed by the head housekeeper.

Original:
Man
House keeper

Suggestion
'House' and 'keeper' should be one word:
Housekeeper.

Original:
Man
I say, house keeper!

Suggestion:
'house' and 'keeper' should be 'housekeeper'.

Original:
Guard
Lord and Lady Zendor no longer require you services.

Suggestion:
'You' should be 'your' to get:
Lord and Lady Zendor no longer require your services.

Original:
It was apparently possibly to be both wildly in love and extremely heart-broken at the same time.

Suggestion:
'possibly' should be 'possible' to get:
It was apparently possible to be both wildly in love and extremely heart-broken at the same time.

Original:
Before a challenger appears before Lam, I run into the field and stand across from him.

Suggestion:
Change 'into' to 'onto' to get:
Before a challenger appears before Lam, I run onto the field and stand across from him.

Original:
It turns out, I'm very good at peddling goods and an excellent haggler.

Suggestion:
I'd suggest removing the comma after 'out', and put an 'I'm' before the 'an' to get:
It turns out I'm very good at peddling goods, and I'm an excellent haggler.

Original:
Yuza
...No, please, stop for an minute!

Suggestion:
The 'an' should be 'a'
...No, please, stop for a minute!

Original:
Unfortunately, she doesn't have enough money to live in her house anymore, and she is kicked out into the streets. She appeals to some people in power for help, and they her about about what you did to her.

Query/Suggestion:
The last sentence is a bit confusing in the last sentence for the phrase: '...help, and they her about what you did to her" I am a little unsure what you were going for.

Original:
I say goodbye and pretend to leave. Since our hours are flexible, he won't think anything strange of it.

Suggestion:
Put a hyphen in 'goodbye' to get 'good-bye'

Original:
Ramas
Yes, I understand. I'll pass by tomorrow to see how things are going.

Suggestion:
Change 'pass' to 'come' and get:
Yes, I understand. I'll come by tomorrow to see how things are going.

Original:
Ramas
Thanks. I'll will pass by tomorrow to see how things are going.

Suggestion:
Remove the 'will', and change 'pass' to 'come' to get:
Thanks. I'll come by tomorrow to see how things are going.

Original
She kisses me fiercely and I instantly become weak. She continue to pull at my hair, sending a pleasurable mix of pain and desire through every fiber of my being.

Suggestion:
'continue' should be 'continues' to get:
She continues to pull at my hair, sending a pleasurable mix of pain...

Original:
I hear giggling and a dancer with two men walk out into the street. They paw at her and she laughs some more.

Suggestion:
Change 'walk' to 'walks' to get:
I hear giggling and a dancer with two men walks out into the street.

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